Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
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Anyone really
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
There are no pants in heaven.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.