If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
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BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.