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I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.