Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
You Might Also Like
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.