Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
You Might Also Like
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
you stereotypes are all alike
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*