You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
You Might Also Like
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
My first child will be named New Folder.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU