Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
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Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support