All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
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“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Watson was Holmes schooled
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.