The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
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Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day