I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
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People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*