In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
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Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs