FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
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My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I did not eat the cake…
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”