Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
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Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.