I’m listening
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Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
me when I see my crush
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.