Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
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Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.