[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
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I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Siri: Retweet me.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.