“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
You Might Also Like
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.