This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
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3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I’m not stressed
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
This could be us but you eatin’
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*