me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
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No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*