Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
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(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Wait for it
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl