The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
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my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.