I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
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I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.