the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
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Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.