My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
You Might Also Like
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
*3.5 thank you very much.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
A duv-egg? In this economy?
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Monday
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible