At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
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Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n