But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true