Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
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Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I’m Sold!
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too