It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
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Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee