no!! no!!!!!!
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Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.