Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
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[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects