I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
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The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
LOOOOOOL
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.