I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
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If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
What?
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
it was love at first sight
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic