juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
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One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
The internet is full of many things
And bowling should be called pinball
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats