if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
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Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
My dryer is celebrating lint.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?