The news in a nutshell.
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wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Wait a minute
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Ooh I do like a good funnel