I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
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I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
estão todos miauvindo?
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Have kids, they said
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti