Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
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“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.