“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
You Might Also Like
How times have changed.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.