Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
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“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine