Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
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At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Important reminders
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
My beach vacation Google searches
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.