i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
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Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog