I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
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If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Actually cracking up @ this
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here