Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
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Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.