Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
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It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
*aggressively waits in line*
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.