*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
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Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Who’s ready for Friday?!
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor