The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
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ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Meth is short for Elizameth.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
#Caturday
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I want to meet the individual who made this
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?