If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
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4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg