Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
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LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.