Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
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Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.