People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
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#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?